The only question you should ask yourself before you do anything.
In need of Joan's wisdom? Send questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
There are no stupid questions, only stupid people.
At the museum we have an elevator that is locked so that children won’t play on it. If someone needs to use it they have to get one of us at the front desk to unlock it and we take them to whatever floor they need to go to. Basically it’s really only for people who actually have some sort of medical reason for not being able to use the stairs. For example, you’re in a wheelchair or perhaps your elderly grandmother and her oxygen tank can’t make it up the stairs to the outdoor playground. I would just like to point out that laziness is not a good enough reason for us to take you on a ride on the elevator. And for God’s sake do not press the fire alarm button in the elevator or I will have to cut your arm off.
Yesterday someone asked me a question about the elevator. It was one of those things where at the time it didn’t register how absurd the question was until later on when I actually stopped to think about it. The question the woman asked me was, “What’s in the elevator?” Now, to be fair, perhaps she meant to ask where the elevator went to, but the thing is she didn’t. She clearly asked what was in the elevator (and I have a witness because my co-worker was standing next to me at the time). I have to wonder, was this her first time in a building? Had she never been in an elevator before? And more importantly, how do I answer that question? I wanted to say something like, “We keep the dead children we find at the end of the day in there.” I believe my co-worker answered her question with something along the lines of it being a staff elevator.
Word of the day
Today was a dreary day at work. I don’t know if it was the weather or what, but we were all feeling pretty sluggish. As I was doing my rounds and cleaning up the glow-in-the-dark room exhibit, a boy there told me a delightful little story:
"Sometimes when I’m at home I take two sips of coffee and then I go on a rampage and then I get sent outside."
You dear child are the highlight of my day, no make that my week. Not only that, but you have now inspired the Word of the Day. Today’s word is “rampage.” Try using it in a sentence.
Joan Crawford was known for being very dedicated to her fans and spent a great deal of time personally responding to each letter that was sent to her (except fanmail from former classmates at Stephens College - they know what they did). Joan, being so devoted to her fans, occasionally will come back from the dead to answer your questions. Here she is now in all her resurrected glory.
Q. Joan - I need your advice. I brought a bb gun to work simply to put a scare in my boss. I’ve accidently put his eye out. Should I call 911? He’s just laying here in his office. There is a considerable amount of blood, too by the way. Chad Sexington
A. Look, there`s nothing wrong with my tits, but I don`t go around throwing them in people`s faces!
Q. Joan - I will be going dancing soon. Should I wear underpants? Lauren Bacall
A. Until I get my coffee in the morning I’m a fit companion only for a sore-toothed tiger.
Q. When you weren’t looking I hung all your clothes on wire hangers. B. Davis
A. God dammit Bette! This time you’ve gone too far!