What Would Joan Crawford Do?

The only question you should ask yourself before you do anything.

In need of Joan's wisdom? Send questions to whatwouldjoando@gmail.com.

Mar 30
Does this look like the face of someone who is amused? Because I’m not, and I’m making this face at you. Yes you, the old hag who came into my clinic today and insulted me. For those who don’t know I am slightly Joan Crawford-like in that I am a little unhealthily obsessed with orderliness. My desk at work is always spotless and my inbox is always empty. A place for everything and everything in it’s place. I am not ashamed to say that my clothes are organized by color in my closet at home. What? It’s perfectly normal and Joan would agree with me.Anyway, back to the harpy. So this woman comes in and says, “your desk is so clean. Do you do any work back there?”Let’s break it down, shall we? I do a lot of work at my job. In fact, you could argue that I work twice as hard because not only am I doing my normal day-to-day job as a receptionist, but I’m also keeping my desk and surrounding area immaculate at all times. Since when did cleanliness become associated with laziness? Just because my desk is clean does not mean I’m not working.

Does this look like the face of someone who is amused? Because I’m not, and I’m making this face at you. Yes you, the old hag who came into my clinic today and insulted me. For those who don’t know I am slightly Joan Crawford-like in that I am a little unhealthily obsessed with orderliness. My desk at work is always spotless and my inbox is always empty. A place for everything and everything in it’s place. I am not ashamed to say that my clothes are organized by color in my closet at home. What? It’s perfectly normal and Joan would agree with me.

Anyway, back to the harpy. So this woman comes in and says, “your desk is so clean. Do you do any work back there?”

Let’s break it down, shall we? I do a lot of work at my job. In fact, you could argue that I work twice as hard because not only am I doing my normal day-to-day job as a receptionist, but I’m also keeping my desk and surrounding area immaculate at all times. Since when did cleanliness become associated with laziness? Just because my desk is clean does not mean I’m not working.


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Mar 26
So I realize that the nature of my posts has lost something. I have strayed from the true purpose of this blog which is of course Joan Crawford. As I sit here and piss and moan about my stupid jobs and how they suck, the one thing that I realize I’m doing wrong is I’m forgetting to ask myself, “What would Joan Crawford do?” Well, no wonder my life lacks meaning and direction. I have been trudging along like a fool, being stepped upon like the doormat of life. Here is what I know: for now I am stuck doing this god awful mind-numbing, soul-sucking receptionist job. So what would Joan do? She would go in there every god damn day and make the best of it. She would wear her fuck me heels (ankle strap heels for those of you who don’t know), shoulder pads that could poke your eye out, and eyebrows that were just a little frightening. Sure the filing would never get done, and there would be a lot of dramatic monologues with violin music as she talked about one day getting out of this place and living her real dream, but she would always be on time and the coffee would always be made. Oh yeah, she would also throw a gin and tonic in Douchebag Dick’s face. This is how I have to start acting at work. The world makes sense again.

So I realize that the nature of my posts has lost something. I have strayed from the true purpose of this blog which is of course Joan Crawford. As I sit here and piss and moan about my stupid jobs and how they suck, the one thing that I realize I’m doing wrong is I’m forgetting to ask myself, “What would Joan Crawford do?” Well, no wonder my life lacks meaning and direction. I have been trudging along like a fool, being stepped upon like the doormat of life. Here is what I know: for now I am stuck doing this god awful mind-numbing, soul-sucking receptionist job. So what would Joan do? She would go in there every god damn day and make the best of it. She would wear her fuck me heels (ankle strap heels for those of you who don’t know), shoulder pads that could poke your eye out, and eyebrows that were just a little frightening. Sure the filing would never get done, and there would be a lot of dramatic monologues with violin music as she talked about one day getting out of this place and living her real dream, but she would always be on time and the coffee would always be made. Oh yeah, she would also throw a gin and tonic in Douchebag Dick’s face.

This is how I have to start acting at work. The world makes sense again.


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Mar 24
I have decided to start a new series entitled “What did Jerkface say today.” I have a co-worker, I believe his god given name is Douchebag Dick, who I don’t get along with very well. He is one of the physical therapists at the clinic and he likes to think that he is too good to associate with lowly receptionist types such as myself. Here are some highlights of past things I’ve overheard Douchebag Dick say:"I went to school for 11 years to become a physical therapist."Really Douchebag? Are you including your high school years in that calculation? Or are you just a moron? Because most people don’t take 11 years to become physical therapists."My girlfriend and I went out for sushi last night and the sushi chef asked me if I was a model. I said no and he said, really? Because you have excellent bone structure."Oh my god, I’m working with the real life Zoolander."Does anyone want to do manual therapy for my patient over there?" (slight tone of disgust in his voice because patient is overweight)."I don’t mind seeing this patient, she’s attractive." (patient is young, thin, and blonde).That’s right Douchebag. We’re not here to help people, we’re only here to judge. Have I mentioned that your pores are huge?

I have decided to start a new series entitled “What did Jerkface say today.” I have a co-worker, I believe his god given name is Douchebag Dick, who I don’t get along with very well. He is one of the physical therapists at the clinic and he likes to think that he is too good to associate with lowly receptionist types such as myself. Here are some highlights of past things I’ve overheard Douchebag Dick say:

"I went to school for 11 years to become a physical therapist."
Really Douchebag? Are you including your high school years in that calculation? Or are you just a moron? Because most people don’t take 11 years to become physical therapists.

"My girlfriend and I went out for sushi last night and the sushi chef asked me if I was a model. I said no and he said, really? Because you have excellent bone structure."
Oh my god, I’m working with the real life Zoolander.

"Does anyone want to do manual therapy for my patient over there?" (slight tone of disgust in his voice because patient is overweight).
"I don’t mind seeing this patient, she’s attractive." (patient is young, thin, and blonde).
That’s right Douchebag. We’re not here to help people, we’re only here to judge. Have I mentioned that your pores are huge?


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Mar 21
Upon the advice of someone who read my blog, I have decided to start writing on here again. A lot has happened since I last wrote. I am now working as a receptionist at a physical therapy clinic. We’ll call the place Harbour Point Physical Therapy for all intents and purposes. This past week was a bit stressful I must admit. As the receptionist I have to answer the phone. Some days are worse than others. Last Wednesday I had to deal with several retard calls. I realize that retard is not the preferred nomenclature, but after the day I had being politically correct was the last thing on my mind. Seriously, I deal with some stupid people on the phone. You be the judge:
<ring>Me: Harbour Point Physical Therapy. How can I… <click> um, OK.
<ring>Me: Harbour Point Physical Therapy. How can I help <click> really?(By the way, this happens a lot, people hanging up on me).
<ring>Me: Harbour Point Physical Therapy. How can I help you?
Moron: Oh my god! I tried calling before but I got disconnected! I’m on my cell phone. I need to make an appointment but I don’t have my calendar in front of me so I don’t know what day I can come in. Can you tell me what days you have open?
Me: Well, yes but you won’t know if you can come in since you don’t have your calendar. Why don’t you call back when you know what days you’re available.
Moron: Hold on a sec. I NEED 2 CHEESEBURGERS, AN ORDER OF FRIES, AND A DIET COKE! What were you saying?
Me: What is the reason for your visit? Why are you coming in for physical therapy?
Moron: I hurt my neck. I was in a car accident.
Me: How did that happen?
Moron: I was talking on my cell phone. But I use a blue tooth now, so it’s all good.
I hate people.

Upon the advice of someone who read my blog, I have decided to start writing on here again. A lot has happened since I last wrote. I am now working as a receptionist at a physical therapy clinic. We’ll call the place Harbour Point Physical Therapy for all intents and purposes. This past week was a bit stressful I must admit. As the receptionist I have to answer the phone. Some days are worse than others. Last Wednesday I had to deal with several retard calls. I realize that retard is not the preferred nomenclature, but after the day I had being politically correct was the last thing on my mind. Seriously, I deal with some stupid people on the phone. You be the judge:

<ring>
Me: Harbour Point Physical Therapy. How can I… <click> um, OK.

<ring>
Me: Harbour Point Physical Therapy. How can I help <click> really?
(By the way, this happens a lot, people hanging up on me).

<ring>
Me: Harbour Point Physical Therapy. How can I help you?

Moron: Oh my god! I tried calling before but I got disconnected! I’m on my cell phone. I need to make an appointment but I don’t have my calendar in front of me so I don’t know what day I can come in. Can you tell me what days you have open?

Me: Well, yes but you won’t know if you can come in since you don’t have your calendar. Why don’t you call back when you know what days you’re available.

Moron: Hold on a sec. I NEED 2 CHEESEBURGERS, AN ORDER OF FRIES, AND A DIET COKE! What were you saying?

Me: What is the reason for your visit? Why are you coming in for physical therapy?

Moron: I hurt my neck. I was in a car accident.

Me: How did that happen?

Moron: I was talking on my cell phone. But I use a blue tooth now, so it’s all good.



I hate people.


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Aug 22

There are no stupid questions, only stupid people.

At the museum we have an elevator that is locked so that children won’t play on it. If someone needs to use it they have to get one of us at the front desk to unlock it and we take them to whatever floor they need to go to. Basically it’s really only for people who actually have some sort of medical reason for not being able to use the stairs. For example, you’re in a wheelchair or perhaps your elderly grandmother and her oxygen tank can’t make it up the stairs to the outdoor playground. I would just like to point out that laziness is not a good enough reason for us to take you on a ride on the elevator. And for God’s sake do not press the fire alarm button in the elevator or I will have to cut your arm off.

Yesterday someone asked me a question about the elevator. It was one of those things where at the time it didn’t register how absurd the question was until later on when I actually stopped to think about it. The question the woman asked me was, “What’s in the elevator?” Now, to be fair, perhaps she meant to ask where the elevator went to, but the thing is she didn’t. She clearly asked what was in the elevator (and I have a witness because my co-worker was standing next to me at the time). I have to wonder, was this her first time in a building? Had she never been in an elevator before? And more importantly, how do I answer that question? I wanted to say something like, “We keep the dead children we find at the end of the day in there.” I believe my co-worker answered her question with something along the lines of it being a staff elevator.


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Aug 15
Hello my dear and wonderful fans. This is Joan Crawford speaking. Normally I only come back from the dead to answer fan mail, but something was brought to my attention today that I felt warranted my return. It was recently told to me that a certain Hollywood hussy named Kate Winslet will be playing the role of Mildred Pierce in a remake. Now, I don&#8217;t know who this Kelly whore is, but let me tell you something, she doesn&#8217;t have the guts or the moxy or the talent to play this role like I did. If this little tramp thinks she can come along and play Mildred Pierce better than me, she better watch her back. In fact, she better start sleeping with one eye open anyway because I&#8217;m planning on finding out who this Kippy is and I&#8217;m going to strangle her.
Lovingly yours,Joan Crawford

Hello my dear and wonderful fans. This is Joan Crawford speaking. Normally I only come back from the dead to answer fan mail, but something was brought to my attention today that I felt warranted my return. It was recently told to me that a certain Hollywood hussy named Kate Winslet will be playing the role of Mildred Pierce in a remake. Now, I don’t know who this Kelly whore is, but let me tell you something, she doesn’t have the guts or the moxy or the talent to play this role like I did. If this little tramp thinks she can come along and play Mildred Pierce better than me, she better watch her back. In fact, she better start sleeping with one eye open anyway because I’m planning on finding out who this Kippy is and I’m going to strangle her.

Lovingly yours,
Joan Crawford


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Aug 6
I have 2 co-workers, let&#8217;s call them Rick and Fawn, who are &#8220;lusting&#8221; after each other. The problem is that Rick has a girlfriend. Fawn used to have a boyfriend, but she recently broke up with him so she is now available. Fawn foolishly believes that Rick will leave his girlfriend for her, while Rick wants to have the best of both worlds: he wants to keep his girlfriend and have fun at work flirting with Fawn. What a cad. I don&#8217;t know what Fawn sees in this guy. He has the emotional capacity of a child. I find his behavior to be very disrespectful. I don&#8217;t know why the girls at work think of him as cute and charming, unless they are too stupid to see otherwise because he&#8217;s the only male around.
Oddly enough, Joan Crawford and Clark Gable also spent many years unable to attend to their undying love. Mr. Mayer, one of the heads of MGM, did not see it fit for these two to be together (Joan was already married at the time). Had Joan and Clark acted on their impulses Mr. Mayer would have destroyed both their careers by blacklisting them in Hollywood. I feel that in this case Mr. Mayer is represented by Nancy, our executive director at the Museum. She&#8217;s already spoken to Rick and Fawn about their behavior and suspects that something is going on between the 2 of them.

I have 2 co-workers, let’s call them Rick and Fawn, who are “lusting” after each other. The problem is that Rick has a girlfriend. Fawn used to have a boyfriend, but she recently broke up with him so she is now available. Fawn foolishly believes that Rick will leave his girlfriend for her, while Rick wants to have the best of both worlds: he wants to keep his girlfriend and have fun at work flirting with Fawn. What a cad. I don’t know what Fawn sees in this guy. He has the emotional capacity of a child. I find his behavior to be very disrespectful. I don’t know why the girls at work think of him as cute and charming, unless they are too stupid to see otherwise because he’s the only male around.

Oddly enough, Joan Crawford and Clark Gable also spent many years unable to attend to their undying love. Mr. Mayer, one of the heads of MGM, did not see it fit for these two to be together (Joan was already married at the time). Had Joan and Clark acted on their impulses Mr. Mayer would have destroyed both their careers by blacklisting them in Hollywood. I feel that in this case Mr. Mayer is represented by Nancy, our executive director at the Museum. She’s already spoken to Rick and Fawn about their behavior and suspects that something is going on between the 2 of them.


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Jul 19
I have a crazy boss. She&#8217;s kind of putting a strain on everyone at work. She didn&#8217;t used to be crazy. When I first started working at the museum she was a decent enough manager to work for, but lately, wow. She&#8217;s real impatient, condescending, and moody. She&#8217;s also a bit of a hypocrite which I find really annoying. The other thing that makes it so difficult is that there is no longer any consistency in our department. Rather than having rules based on something concrete, we now have rules that are based on what mood my manager is in. She is a scary, annoying, fucked up woman to work for and it&#8217;s no wonder that everyone on staff is sick and tired all the time.

I have a crazy boss. She’s kind of putting a strain on everyone at work. She didn’t used to be crazy. When I first started working at the museum she was a decent enough manager to work for, but lately, wow. She’s real impatient, condescending, and moody. She’s also a bit of a hypocrite which I find really annoying. The other thing that makes it so difficult is that there is no longer any consistency in our department. Rather than having rules based on something concrete, we now have rules that are based on what mood my manager is in. She is a scary, annoying, fucked up woman to work for and it’s no wonder that everyone on staff is sick and tired all the time.


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Jul 15
It is a sad day folks. I overheard my manager and the maintenance guy talking today and they are fixing the microphone in the exhibit. I don&#8217;t know who told them it was broken, or if they just suddenly realized how quiet it was but the microphone will soon be fixed and we at the front desk will be the ones who will have to suffer. God is dead to me.

It is a sad day folks. I overheard my manager and the maintenance guy talking today and they are fixing the microphone in the exhibit. I don’t know who told them it was broken, or if they just suddenly realized how quiet it was but the microphone will soon be fixed and we at the front desk will be the ones who will have to suffer. God is dead to me.


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Jul 11

Word of the day

Today was a dreary day at work. I don’t know if it was the weather or what, but we were all feeling pretty sluggish. As I was doing my rounds and cleaning up the glow-in-the-dark room exhibit, a boy there told me a delightful little story:

"Sometimes when I’m at home I take two sips of coffee and then I go on a rampage and then I get sent outside."

You dear child are the highlight of my day, no make that my week. Not only that, but you have now inspired the Word of the Day. Today’s word is “rampage.” Try using it in a sentence.


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Jul 9

Q&A

Joan Crawford was known for being very dedicated to her fans and spent a great deal of time personally responding to each letter that was sent to her (except fanmail from former classmates at Stephens College - they know what they did). Joan, being so devoted to her fans, occasionally will come back from the dead to answer your questions. Here she is now in all her resurrected glory.

Q. Joan - I need your advice.  I brought a bb gun to work simply to put a scare in my boss.  I’ve accidently put his eye out.  Should I call 911?  He’s just laying here in his office.  There is a considerable amount of blood, too by the way. Chad Sexington
A. Look, there`s nothing wrong with my tits, but I don`t go around throwing them in people`s faces!

Q. Joan - I will be going dancing soon.  Should I wear underpants? Lauren Bacall
A. Until I get my coffee in the morning I’m a fit companion only for a sore-toothed tiger.

Q. When you weren’t looking I hung all your clothes on wire hangers. B. Davis
A. God dammit Bette! This time you’ve gone too far!


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Jul 7
Today there was a child screaming as his mom was trying to get him in his stroller. We&#8217;re all pretty used to kids crying because they don&#8217;t want to leave, but even this one would be considered bad by our standards. He had that horrible irritating &#8220;I&#8217;m not gonna let up&#8221; sort of scream cry that makes you tense in your shoulders. One of my managers came out to ask me about working on this one project at the front desk. Then she said in all seriousness, &#8220;And could you also shove some paper towels down that child&#8217;s throat?&#8221; I&#8217;m glad some people at work have the same sick and twisted sense of humor I do, otherwise it would be a very dull place indeed.

Today there was a child screaming as his mom was trying to get him in his stroller. We’re all pretty used to kids crying because they don’t want to leave, but even this one would be considered bad by our standards. He had that horrible irritating “I’m not gonna let up” sort of scream cry that makes you tense in your shoulders. One of my managers came out to ask me about working on this one project at the front desk. Then she said in all seriousness, “And could you also shove some paper towels down that child’s throat?” I’m glad some people at work have the same sick and twisted sense of humor I do, otherwise it would be a very dull place indeed.


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Jul 4

Since getting hired on at the museum not a day has gone by that I have not looked for a job online, sent out a resume, or gone on a job interview. I knew that being hired at the museum would be a temporary thing until a more permanent opportunity came along. As anyone who is out of work knows, this is a tough economy and it is a terrible time to be looking for a job right now. Even though I have a job, the museum has been slowly cutting my hours. I went from working 30 hours a week, to 25 and today my hours got cut to 19 a week. It’s times like this that I want to feel down, but instead I went upstairs and my co-worker Karen and I went to the Glow Zone room and had a dance off. Sometimes you just gotta dance.


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Jun 30
Today&#8217;s post is entitled &#8220;Thinly veiled insults.&#8221; I have a co-worker, let&#8217;s call her Lacey, who always says things to me that I believe are insults masked as concern. For instance, one of Lacey&#8217;s favorite things to do is to come up to me and say, &#8220;Oh Chloe, you look so tired.&#8221; No one else at work ever comments that I look tired or worn out, just Lacey. So my theory is that she wants to get her little digs in, but she&#8217;s trying to make it seem like she&#8217;s concerned about my well-being. If everyone at work was telling me that I looked tired I would think there was some validity to this. But as I said Lacey is the only one who tells me this.
Today I was working on a project at the front desk when Lacey said, &#8220;Chloe you&#8217;re just so quiet over there aren&#8217;t you? My children aren&#8217;t introverted thank God.&#8221; Again, here she goes with the little comments that could be masked as insults. What is it with this woman? I&#8217;m ready to go Joan Crawford on her ass!

Today’s post is entitled “Thinly veiled insults.” I have a co-worker, let’s call her Lacey, who always says things to me that I believe are insults masked as concern. For instance, one of Lacey’s favorite things to do is to come up to me and say, “Oh Chloe, you look so tired.” No one else at work ever comments that I look tired or worn out, just Lacey. So my theory is that she wants to get her little digs in, but she’s trying to make it seem like she’s concerned about my well-being. If everyone at work was telling me that I looked tired I would think there was some validity to this. But as I said Lacey is the only one who tells me this.

Today I was working on a project at the front desk when Lacey said, “Chloe you’re just so quiet over there aren’t you? My children aren’t introverted thank God.” Again, here she goes with the little comments that could be masked as insults. What is it with this woman? I’m ready to go Joan Crawford on her ass!


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Jun 23
I have seen the light. I was not a religious person before, but I believe in God now. Oh yes people, there is a God, and He/She/It has disabled the microphone at the museum. Miracles do happen and I am now required to spread the good word of my Lord and savior on to all of you. I have no idea how this blessed event occured but let us give thanks, shall we? Hell yeah.

I have seen the light. I was not a religious person before, but I believe in God now. Oh yes people, there is a God, and He/She/It has disabled the microphone at the museum. Miracles do happen and I am now required to spread the good word of my Lord and savior on to all of you. I have no idea how this blessed event occured but let us give thanks, shall we? Hell yeah.


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